There is always light.
If only we are brave enough to see it.
If only we are brave enough to be it.
Amanda Gorman
Dealing with Difficult People
Whether it’s your hypercritical parent, your hostile roommate, or your controlling sister - it can feel impossible to get along with certain folks! Let’s assume that for now this difficult person is going to be in your life. How might you improve your interactions with this person to stay out of the toxic zone?
Don’t React!
An important key to remember is that if you become reactive with a reactive person you are almost guaranteed to make the situation more volatile. You risk the emotions of everyone involved spiraling out of control. And you greatly reduce your chances of getting what you need and want. Of course when your sister is raising her voice and speaking in a mean-spirited way, it’s not easy to remain calm and centered. Reactivity can be contagious! It may feel good in the moment to shout back and say something hurtful, but this rarely contributes to the ongoing relationship and fallout from an escalation may create a large rift that is very hard to recover from.
When you find yourself feeling reactive and on the edge of losing your control- SHAKE UP THE DIRECTION OF THE CONVERSATION. This could be as minor as changing the subject or as large as stating that the conversation is moving into unhealthy territory and it's time to stop for now so you both can calm down.
Model and Stick to Boundaries for Acceptable Behavior
Pick a time when you both are calm and state your intention that you would like to get along and have a positive relationship. Then offer specific suggestions using neutral language that focus on behaviors and not the person. For example, if you wilt when your roommate sends verbal barbs about not cleaning the hair from the bathtub, acknowledge that you sometimes forget and will set a weekly reminder to help you remember. Also state that it is very painful when she shouts insults at you and you need to step away from future conversations that stoop to this level.
Reframe the Disagreement
If the person you are dealing with has a very strong ego or has repeatedly been difficult to reach agreements with, try a different course of action. Enlist a trusted friend or co-worker to help you brainstorm what is most important to your difficult person. It may stretch your sense of justice to cater to the needs of the difficult person but try to focus on the bottom line result- what actions, options, and methods are most likely to help you get your needs met along with this difficult person’s needs?
Set Reasonable Expectations for Results
If you have been on the receiving end of hurtful, selfish demands from your Stepdad over the past 15 years, it is not likely that he will change tomorrow. Trying for the 100th time to get him to empathize with your point of view will only increase your suffering. In such cases it may be best to minimize the length and types of interactions you have with him or only talk with him when others are around so he is less likely to try to manipulate you.
Contact me to get detailed help dealing with the difficult people in your life!
Dianne Fish, LPC 512.636.7500
Do You 'Disqualify' Yourself?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”
Marianne Williamson
When I explore below the surface of many situations, I repeatedly find that my greatest barrier to growth, expansion, and taking positive action is…ME!
One of my favorite yoga teachers frequently reminds us to “qualify” ourselves. That sounds like a rather strange request, but think how many times we avoid a certain action because we don’t believe we are up to the task. We don’t stretch beyond our comfort zone to apply for a job we’ve never done before; take a risk to go against cultural norms even when it feels right; take the leap from perpetual student to leader or teacher.
We find lots of ways to disqualify ourselves: we don’t have enough training or experience; we could never do it as well as someone we admire; we are too something- young, old, fat, thin, shy, sensitive, inarticulate, etc.
How do we step beyond all the limits we place on ourselves and begin living as though we are all sparks of the divine?
Notice your unique style of disqualifying yourself
Sometimes you hold yourself back in very subtle ways and it is up to you to ferret out and begin shifting those old habits. Pay attention to the stories you are thinking in your head when faced with a challenging situation. Write down every time you speak in absolutes like ‘never’ and ‘always’ that lock you into one way of being. Notice how you judge yourself in comparison to others you admire. Some may benefit from working with a Counselor to help you unpack and rewire those habitual thought patterns and fears.
Accept praise graciously
All too often we brush aside or discount positive feedback from others. Every time you receive a compliment, place your hand over your heart center and practice letting in their positive message. Let the person know that it feels good to be appreciated. This sounds simple and yet can be very challenging when you have an automatically ingrained response to push the praise away. Maybe you start by a short "thanks", and work your way into expressing more gratitude.
Celebrate little successes
It may be hard to trust your personal qualities and power because your successes pass by with little fanfare. Let’s say you have a particularly ornery boss and you managed to diplomatically make your case to get a small change for the office. Celebrate with an outing, meal, or gathering with friends to mark your success!
Establish a new practice of s-t-r-e-t-c-h-ing your comfort zone
Begin by making a list of areas in your life that feel stagnant, frustrating, stuck. Next brainstorm (alone or with a trusted friend) 5-10 very specific action items under each area- with no editing for how “doable” or scary that action seems. Pick one action item a week to try. Remember that this is not an exercise in how to do everything “right” or “perfect”. Some will work and some won’t, but experimenting with the actions begins to train you not to stop at your traditional edge of comfort.
Contact me, Dianne Fish, LPC to help you go deeper into this process:
Text: 512.636.7500
www.austinserenitycounseling.com
Transform Negative Habits
When we feel bad we slide into the familiar
When you try to change a behavior that feels out of control or is causing you harm, does it seem impossible? Let’s say you are frustrated that your knees and ankles give you problems from the extra weight you put on. Or perhaps you keep returning to certain ‘comfort’ foods when you feel upset. Or you watch ‘just one more show’ and then realize you have been sitting in front of the screen for 4 hours. Or maybe you wake up with a splitting headache and grumble at yourself for drinking way more than you intended at the beginning of the night. You’ve hit a point where you want to make a significant change.
But why is it so HARD?
It’s a Process
Typically a behavior doesn’t start out with so many negative results but the side affects build up over time and many repetitions. Our patterns are deeply entrenched in our brain. A common approach to making a change is to CUT OUT your current habit “cold turkey” and expect (or hope) for instant change.
The problem with this drastic approach is it leaves a gaping hole that the negative behavior once filled. Now you are alone with the remaining “ick”. We typically adopt many of our addictive and compulsive behaviors because they hold out a promise of bringing us comfort or escape from very painful feelings and states of mind. In order to make changes that last we need to come to terms with change as a complex process.
It helps to honor each step along the way…
Don’t Skip the Steps of Letting Go
I recently had the pleasure of witnessing the process of caterpillars transforming into monarch butterflies. After learning more about their process of change I found that most parts of the caterpillar dissolve into a kind of soup- how scary is that! But the process doesn’t happen without some resistance to this major change. When the caterpillar forms the chrysalis, pieces from their DNA called “imaginal discs” begin forming. At first, the caterpillar’s immune system tries to fight off these “intruders”. Eventually enough of the imaginal discs gather to overcome the caterpillar’s resistance to change. The discs become “imaginal cells” which are the building blocks of the butterfly.
What strikes me is that even within the natural world, there is some built in resistance to big changes. Just because we feel resistance to doing something differently, maybe it doesn’t mean STOP, but rather, REFLECT and PERSIST. What would it be like to be more mindful of the change process you want to take on?
- Can you feel part of yourself resisting the change that another aspect of you so desires to make?
- What are the scariest parts of your change?
- Are you trying to skip a step that sounds too hard?
- How might you give yourself more compassion to ease your transition?
- What positive behaviors can you identify and bring into your life to help fill the gaping hole left after stopping a long held addictive behavior?
- Who can you ask to help you move through this transition?
Imagine Your “New” Life
if You Truly Drop this Behavior
Before you stop the behavior that is causing you trouble, try adding the essential step of seeing new possibilities for you. How could a round, crawling caterpillar transform into a fluttery flying insect without the imaginal cells providing a framework for a new way of being?
Here are a few things to keep in mind as you imagine new ways of being:
- Set aside reflection time: be mindful or meditate over several days on the question of how your life could change in ways that you would like after you let this old behavior go.
- Go beyond general notions and try imagining specific possibilities.
- Try not to limit yourself to how you have always been. Dr. Dan Siegel talks about a practice called the “wheel of awareness” where we may integrate things we know through our senses with the interior "hub" where all things are possible.
Have patience with yourself. EMAIL ME if you'd like support.
Remember, it took many repetitions for an old behavior to become so deeply ingrained; it may take many repetitions to settle into the new as well.
Dianne Fish, LPC
Yielding to Change: Find the Hidden Power
“Yielding is the way of the Tao”
2nd line of Verse 40, Tao Te Ching
I like to go to the creek near my house after a rare event of rain and watch the water rushing by. I notice the reedy plants at the water’s edge. They bend over from the intense force of rushing water- often lying almost completely flat. Think how futile it would be for them to become rigid and try to remain upright- they would most certainly be broken by the powerful force of the water. I also notice that once the water has calmed, the reeds bounce back up and flourish. I try to practice being more flexible like those yielding reeds to help me weather life’s challenges and the unexpected turns away from how I believe my life should be unfolding.
Sometimes though, my first response to unexpected events is to dig in and resist this unexpected twist. I might grumble about what is happening and jump into searching for a way to change things back to the way they “are supposed to be”. I am learning that when I become rigid and resistant to change, life feels even harder. My fear blocks my ability to intuitively tap into the flow of possible solutions. When my body and mind are rigid, I begin to feel scared…trapped… hopeless.
Tara Brach has an elegant way of describing the benefits of yielding. In her book, Radical Acceptance, she draws from her life and her clients, to show that change is inevitable, but our choices lie in whether or how much we suffer in the face of every change. I especially like her suggestion to visualize “leaning in” to whatever life is bringing you on a given day. Yielding to “what is” means looking it realistically in the eye, rather than escaping into your favorite form of distraction; denying what’s happening; or puffing up and raging at the change and getting caught in a web of anger or resentment.
Yielding does not mean allowing others to take advantage of you, or that you do not move towards improving life’s conditions. It means slowing your process down to see clearly, to yield, and to notice. This allows you to better cope with what is happening and to open your awareness to new possibilities. You don’t waste your energy avoiding or resisting new circumstances that are beyond your control. You are fully present and thus more able to make wise choices of what to do next.
“…we must live in the present moment and accept what that moment brings. If we become angry, resentful, or dive into a fantasy we lose synchrony with the moment and cannot make an appropriate response”
Yogi Bhajan, Master of Kundalini Yoga
Oh the Seductiveness of Anger & Revenge!
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha
I’ve been struggling with a problem. Rather than go into the details of my story, I would like to reflect for a bit on how this conflict has snared me in a web of dissatisfaction with another person. My mind tells me I have “every right” to be angry with this person who has not been treating me fairly. Of course I would be “justified” if I found a way to “force him to comply with my wishes” or “to get him back”. Last conversation I had with him my heart started racing- I could clearly feel how much my nervous system was triggered by talking about the issue of contention between us. I begin to feel helpless and frustrated because I feel I am “right”, but the issue remains unresolved.
Wow, it’s a little scary to see how quickly I slip into rigid black and white thinking when (for whatever reason) a conflict has triggered me and I am getting super charged emotionally.
Instead of dwelling once again in my frustration and righteous anger, I decided to spend some time doing a powerful breath meditation that helped my physical body to calm down. When I’m in a hyper-aroused emotional state (activating my sympathetic nervous system), my mind gets sucked into the dark depths of the problem. I can’t see new possibilities or ways to get “unstuck”.
After the meditation, I can feel my body relaxing. My breath is longer and deeper, my heart rate has slowed, and I am better able to access the parts of my brain that feel empathy for the other person’s situation. From this more relaxed state, I’m better able to generate solutions that are creative and outside the confining box of the solutions I cling to when I am angry and agitated.
Who am I really hurting by remaining stuck in a worked up, angry, state?
From this calmer perspective, I can now see that drawing out this stalemate is not in my best interest. Often our problems encompass so much more nuance than who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’.
How might I feel if I can find it in me to forgive this other person; make peace with the less-than-perfect but perfectly adequate solution he’s offering; and gain release from my angry, tangled knot of emotions? If I can do that, I also open a door to free up my energy and actions for other areas where there are opportunities to grow, experience, and soar…
'STRIKE A BALANCE' for the upcoming holiday season
It’s no surprise that we may feel a mixed bag of emotions as the holidays approach- excitement, anticipation, and joy along with, perhaps, anxious thoughts or feeling rushed, fatigued, let down, grumpy, or overwhelmed. After all, the number of things on our ‘to do’ list tends to go up at the same time the amount of daylight is shrinking and days feel like they are getting shorter. We may struggle with high expectations of how a particular holiday “should” be. Quite often our experience is not living up to that ideal vision.
Take a lesson from the yogic tradition at this time of year to consciously bring more balance into our lives. A fundamental tenet of yoga is “balance”. This focus shows up when we complete a posture on both sides of the body to maintain symmetry or we do particular body movements or breath that enhance our physical balance. This concept of balance goes well beyond the physical body though to include balance of our emotions, thoughts, and the external things that come in and out of our lives.
One important way to maintain our balance for this holiday time is to pay more attention to what we take in and what we release or let go. This time of year we typically take in extra food, drink, alcohol, gifts, social exposure, heightened emotional experiences, even extra visual and sound stimulation. We can quickly feel “off“ if we increase what we take in without increasing what we process and send out. By carving out time that allows for release and elimination to improve our sense of equanimity and balance we may be able to enjoy the season more.
Try These 3 Steps to Add Balance to Your Holiday Season
ADD OR INCREASE INNER-FOCUS / MEDITATION TIME:
Now is a great time to add in 3 to 11 minutes of meditation and /or breath work right after you roll out of bed. Begin with “Sufi grind”: sit in cross-legged position with you hands on your knees and rotate your upper body around the base of your spine in a circle. [note: if you can't sit cross-legged, sit in a chair or on the edge of the bed with your feet flat on the floor]. Close your eyes / Inhale as your body moves forward / Exhale as your body leans back. This movement is good for physical and emotional elimination. Next, try a favorite meditation or do a mindfulness exercise where you sit quietly and keep returning your focus to your breath.
It may seem counterintuitive to consider adding one more thing into your already over the top day, but you will find that starting your day with a calming practice spills over into the rest of your day. It may help you be more focused and efficient when activities heat up. Also, the inner-focused time may help counterbalance the increase in socially interactive holiday moments.
CLEAR OUT YOUR SPACE:
At least once a week during the holiday season, decrease the clutter in a specific portion of your physical space. In seeking balance, it may help to focus on clearing out and releasing physical things and not just taking them in during this time of gifting. Keep the process very simple by going through just one drawer; one type of clothing (e.g. sort and pitch your socks); or one small, well-defined area of your work or living space. Notice how you feel after clearing out and letting go of items from this part of your life.
CONSCIOUSLY NOTICE AND RELEASE EMOTIONS DAILY:
Typically, we don’t notice a gradual build-up of stress and negative emotions that we haven’t dealt with until it leads to an emotional “melt-down” or a “rupture” in your relationships. Instead, try increasing your awareness each day of how you are feeling. This process is not intended to be in-depth or time-consuming.
A couple of times each day, check in with what you are feeling and then send it along its way: Close your eyes. Take 5-10 long deep breaths. Now simply take stock of any emotions that bubble up for you at this moment. It takes discipline, but try not to analyze, assess, evaluate, or criticize what you are feeling. Your aim is to Notice, Name, Allow, Feel, and then consciously Release each emotion you become aware of. To end, raise your hands above your head and shake them out.
........
You may be surprised at the benefits you feel if you take simple steps to bring more balance to your holiday season. Pay attention to how small daily adjustments help ease the tension and increase your adaptability to cope with the extra demands of this time of year.
If your stress and anxiety continue to build, contact me and we'll work with it together.
Dianne Fish, LPC
What do you do with your ANGER?
“Have I not told you how anger is like electricity?... Anger can strike like lightning and split a living tree in two. …Or it can be channeled, transformed. A switch can be flipped and it can shed light like a lamp.”
Mahatma Gandhi
ANGER is one of our most misunderstood emotions. It is often accompanied by a powerful ‘wave’ of energy so it can feel
intimidating…agitating…consuming!
According to GuruMeher Singh Khalsa, “Anger is a form of personal power, it's the fire in the belly that burns food into movement and gets things done. Anger isn't good or bad, it's how you use it.”
Learning to recognize, feel, and transform your angry emotions into wise actions takes a skillfulness that many of us were never taught.
Sometimes you may not even recognize your anger. If someone puts you down or takes advantage of your generosity, you may brush it away or push down any emotions that begin to rise as a result of the situation. “I shouldn’t feel this way”. “I know better” so I can’t let myself feel angry.
When you don’t allow yourself to feel your angry feelings, you miss important clues your body is sending you about a situation. In the short run it may seem like the problem goes away. Over time, you may feel helpless or a victim of what life throws at you. You may notice a crusty underbelly of resentment develops when someone continues to treat you poorly but you tamp down your angry emotions. You may feel depressed or weak and take actions that are self-defeating.
For others, the high energy of anger consumes you and becomes like a bonfire. When overwhelmed by such powerful emotion, you may discharge it in ways that are harmful to yourself and others. Actions of rage and violence taken in the high heat of anger cause destruction: of relationships, your property, your job, your self-respect.
Gandhi talks about transforming the powerful energy of anger into light. Feeling your anger doesn’t equal taking immediate, rash actions. You can learn breath techniques and meditations to help you ride the powerful wave of anger and calm your body. Exploring your angry feelings may help you transform your anger into light allowing you to see a situation with clarity. You may learn to recognize and ask for what you really need; heal old sore spots that may lie under your anger; set healthy limits that strengthen your relationships; and find opportunities to meet some of your own needs to address difficult situations.
If you’d like some help accessing and working with your anger, contact me.
Dianne Fish, LPC 512.636.7500 (text or voice)
Return to the Present Moment
Dianne Holliday Fish, LPC
..."Wow, it felt like yet another tough day. I doubt Ms. Finch is going to support me in the negotiations at the end of the month. I haven't started the slides for my presentation in a few weeks. The new clients aren't going to be impressed with my approach. I really don't think I'm the best person to give this talk. Why can't I find the time to get started on those slides? Oh, and Sarah wants to spend the night with that new friend next weekend. I don't even know her parents. I'm sure she'll pout and get angry if I have to say "no". And why was Laney so rude last week? She always expects me to do the cooking when the family gets together and that's really so unfair. Mom always let Laney get away with not doing her chores- that's so irritating! Ugh, my stomach is churning again...
Why do I always feel so worried, overwhelmed, and stressed out?"
We make life feel more challenging than it has to by fretting about things that are off in the future or re-hashing things that happened in the past. When our worries jam up into a huge pile, we feel anxious and unsettled, or overwhelmed to a point of getting stuck and unable to move forward.
In the words of Richard Miller, "You possess an innate intelligence that knows exactly what to do in every situation that life brings to your table. Fear is always about the future, and reactivity is about the past. Right action resides in the 'now'."
Experiment with these simple actions to help you begin living life moment to moment:
- When you notice yourself feeling agitated, worried, or upset, rewind your thoughts and explore where your attention was focused over the last 30 minutes. Were you immersing yourself in the task at hand? Or were you fretting about something that may (or may not) happen in the future? Were you reliving an old interaction? One tool to help you stay in the present moment is to enthusiastically engage your senses in even the most simple task: How does the dish soap smell? Do you like the slippery feel of the suds between your fingers? Did you notice how the plate squeaks a little when you scrub it?
- Each day pay attention to which "to do" items you are dwelling on. If something has no immediate action needed, consciously set that issue down to be dealt with later. If you are concerned that you may forget to address it, then add it to an ongoing "to do" list. Don't be surprised when the issue pops up again, be persistent and set it down again.
- Charge up your sense of humor! It's not easy to break old habits of dwelling in the past or future. When you "catch" yourself doing it again for the millionth time- take it easy on yourself, laugh about your amazing ability to slip away so quickly, and gently bring yourself back to right here, right now.
Find Your 'Funny Bone' and Feel Better!
Common folk wisdom has told us that laughter is 'good medicine'. Yogi's have known intuitively for thousands of years that deep "belly laughing" is good for you. Now, science is catching up and beginning to show how laughing helps us. Recent studies show that the muscle movements required for a powerful laugh release "feel good" chemicals in the brain called endorphins. These brain chemicals can improve your mood and reduce your perception of pain. Additional studies on the benefits of laughter show that it can also lower your blood pressure and improve your immune system functioning.
It's important to note that deep, powerful, and prolonged laughter produces the best results over an intermittent, restrained giggle. Give it a try by placing your hand on your belly, inhaling deeply, and laughing out loud (sort of like Santa Claus- "Ha Ha Ha", "Ho Ho Ho"). Feel the muscles of the belly move in and out as you make the sounds. It may seem awkward and 'fake' at first, but if you keep it up you may find yourself moving into a feeling of laughter as well.
In addition to practicing the belly laughs, look for opportunities to bring more laughter into your life. Watch more comedy movies; notice details and share funny experiences with friends or colleagues; look for the irony and humor even in difficult or challenging situations.
You'll feel less anxious, lighter, and more alive!
Dianne Fish, LPC
Austin Serenity Counseling & Wellness
"We hear a lot about the pain of samsara, and we also hear about liberation. But we don't hear much about how painful it is to go from being completely stuck to becoming unstuck. The process of becoming unstuck requires tremendous bravery, because basically we are completely changing our way of perceiving reality, like changing our DNA. We are undoing a pattern that is not just our pattern. It's the human pattern: we project onto the world a zillion possibilities of attaining resolution".
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
Anxiety Toolkit
Step into Wellbeing
- Strike a Balance for the Holidays
- Transform Negative Habits
- Yielding to Change: Find the Hidden Power
- Oh the Seductiveness of Anger & Revenge!
- What do you do with your ANGER?
- Do You 'Disqualify' Yourself?
- Dealing with Difficult People
- TRY THIS: Alcohol Screening Tool
- Is my drinking taking control of me?
- Resources for Working with Emotions
